Turning 40 and looking forward to it!

A friend told me two days ago about another who's going through a tough time presently. I asked why. Well, apparently she's overwhelmed at work and she's also depressed as she'll be turning 40. The insensitive me exclaimed, "Why???" (But really, need I ask?)

This friend, I found out, is taking stock of her life - wondering if she's achieved anything worthy thus far, and also fears that she may start looking "old." I recall having similar feelings when I turned 30 but very soon after that I discovered how much I loved being in my thirties! I moved overseas the first time (to Turkey to be precise) and have since not lived in my home country. I got my graduate degree when I was 34 and got married when I was 35. Being in the thirties rocked!

As I stand at the door ushering in another decade of my life (I turn 40 in December), I am excited - at what surprises the 40's would hold for me and at all the possibilities and opportunities that beckon.

Last week I had the pleasure (and honor!) to have tea with a few ladies - one in her early 40's, three in their 50's and another in her 60's. I experienced so much joy (fun would be understating the exhilaration I felt!) with my new friends - they were probably the most lively, fulfilled bunch I've ever been with in a long time! They were gorgeous - both in body and soul, they were successful and most importantly, they weren't just concerned about menopause or how to spend their retirement fund. They were such inspiring individuals! One of them, a widow for over a decade and have two young adult sons, have recently gotten back to college for a degree in counseling and psychotherapy. There's nothing stopping these amazing ladies!

So, downhill after 40? No way! It's just a transition to another wonderful phase of our life. Believe it, as it's true!

p.s. I can't wait till December when I officially join this league of extraordinary ladies!

Knock-off identity

Husband and I have just returned from a week-long visit at my parents. Other than receiving the usual subtle but persistent promptings to have a baby, from the family, I inherited a designer purse from an aunt who lives in the UK.

Now, I've never really owned a high-end designer purse. Okay, I have had handbags by Tommy Hilfiger or even Donna Karan but I would hardly consider them "designer" purses as none of them cost any more than $100. I also have had a friend who bought me a knock-off Mulberry and an Hermes wallet but then, these don't count.

So, safe to say, this handbag I've inherited is really the first real designer bag I own. And, therein lies my skepticism. First, it's a Louis Vuitton. Do you know how many LV replicas there are out in the market??? Zillions! In fact, it's so common that whenever we see someone carrying an LV, we would immediately discount it as a fake - so, it's fake unless proven genuine. Second, it's an LV Noe - another common model that is replicated. I can tell you already that whoever sees me with my Noe would almost immediately assume that it's a knock-off! Third, and most suspiciously, when I first got the bag, I look at its inside and discovered that it has no tag whatsoever to identify its authenticity. And, being a real skeptical rookie, I was convinced that it's a copy. However, my aunt left message that the bag is indeed the real thing - and I do have reasons to believe her as she's one of those who would spend thousands on such things.

Therefore, the minute I got home, I did what most people would do to clarify or authenticate anything under the sun - I Googled! After spending almost two hours in cyberspace and in total oblivion of my husband, I looked up from my computer and announced that my newly acquired purse is in fact genuine!This of course led me to further question myself why it was so important that the purse is a genuine designer item. And a larger question is why do some people yearn for designer goods so much that they would go to the extent of buying knock-offs when they can't afford the real thing. Do we think that somehow having a G or CC insignia on our purses or wallets would somehow elevate us as a person? And how far would we go in impressing those around us with our designer labels? Or do we somehow believe that a Fendi label would somehow raise our socioeconomic identity in some way? Hmmm... As far as I know now, my genuine LV Noe is great for lugging my new MacBook around as it was initially designed to bag bottles of champagne back in 1932 (holds 5 each). (I do love the historical part of the story behind most labels!)

Are you lonesome tonight?

Sex, relationships, friendships, family, parties,...

For the longest time, I (not unlike three-quarter of the world’s population) thought they were means to ease loneliness – fears and ache of being by oneself.Let me tell you what I’ve discovered since I got married three years ago: even though I enjoy intimate moments in my marriage, I would still sometimes experience real painful loneliness.

After much chasing around the bush of heartache, disappointment, rejection and abandonment, for much of my young adult life, I finally discovered (thanks to a friend that I would consider rather wise) that everybody is lonely in some way. That was quite an enlightenment and relief at the same time.

I remember when I was single, occasionally I would meet people who'd sympathise with me -- they reckoned that since I’m single, I must be lonely. Well, yes, and no.

You see, the deal is this -- the single is commonly perceived as the lonely lot but so are the rest of the people alive. The single is lonely in one way, the married in another; the schoolteacher, the mother, the bankteller and others. It’s true. If you don’t believe me, the next time you go to the bank, ask the teller; or the toll booth attendant.

But is there a reason why we should feel so lonely? Are we really alone? They say, “No man is an island.” But, if we are not islands, why do we feel so alone? If we are "part of the main," why do we so often feel like we are estranged?

Why is it that in spite of - or sometimes, more tragically, because of - our most gut-wrenching efforts to belong and to participate in the sharing of camaraderie or friendship or love, we experience a deep and disturbing distance? The sense of aloneness somehow seems to permeate our existence. Sometimes it subtly, almost unnoticeably lies in the shadows of our consciousness but sometimes it dominates. It is when it dominates that we finally have to unwillingly surrender to it and painfully admit defeat -- confess that we are lonely – as if to actually feel lonely is a highly embarrassing and unnatural thing.

Why?

Or more important (and more unnerving), why would any answer to this question give us little or no consolation? Why does "knowing why" offer so little relief? And our need for intimacy - so hard to find and to share and yet so necessary for a satisfying life?

I'm not sure if I can answer this but what I do know is that no man is an island, we are not alone. My failures, my achievements, my strengths and weaknesses reach beyond the space of “me” - they affect people in my periphery. Whether or not I feel it, my life - every life - touches other lives. We are joined in a responsibility to together make this world a good one for all of us. Each of us warms the world or chills it inasmuch as we offer or withhold respect, kindness, support, love, or truth. In that sense we are all parts of each other's well-being and/or sickness, and we affect the space that we all share.

I guess that is why when we try to look for relief from loneliness in friendship, we end up frustrating the relationship and stifling the other person. The result – we are abandoned (again!), hurt and the tenderness of our hearts hardened further.

But we are also alone. It said that "each heart knows its own bitterness, and none else can share its joy." We each have some identity that is separate (and that separates us) from the community. We are individuals, unique in ourselves. We are responsible for our choices, capable of amazing creativity, good but also evil and destruction.

So, in conclusion, maybe loneliness is a part of our experience and perhaps friendship, camaraderie, intimacy, all those things, and loneliness live together in the same experience. The experience of the living.

So, what do we do while we live?

Maybe we should learn and try to love one another, enjoy each other's company, share in the common work, and endure each other's failures. This will not cure our aloneness, so let's not ask that of each other. We must also learn to not be afraid of a very necessary aloneness as in our solitude we may encounter the unexpected joy.